"There’s no link between diabetes and diet.
That’s a white myth, Ken, like Larry Bird or Colorado."
-Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
I've got a bunch of parts here that all need to go... I will happily combine shipping, or buy a couple items and I'll ship it free. Need something else, just ask... Keep in mind that with the new postal rates, you pretty much can't ship squat for under $10... gone are the days of $5 priority mail packages...
If you feel my prices are too low, feel free to offer more. If you feel my prices are too high, check eBay and make an offer. All prices are in US currency, and I take payPal at firstname.lastname@example.org, cash, money orders, and offers of millions in escrow via Nigerian banks. Here goes...
Radiator, bent, scratched, dented, rusty, and ugly, but working. $20 shipped. Hoses available too if you want them for $3 extra in shipping. Put this one on just before a crash so your pretty new radiator doesn't get munched.
Clutch lever, cable, and cable end thingamabob. Clutch ball is artfully ground flat in one spot as if it scraped along the pavement at high speed for a few dozen feet (as if...). Instant credibility at no extra cost. $25 shipped
Front brake lever, brake line, and caliper, pads are probably pretty worn, brake fluid not included since I spilled most of it on my new running shoes. $55 shipped
Throttle assembly, cable, and carb plate. Throttle feels sluggish and not snappy, and throttle tube has a crack in the end, but it worked when pulled from the bike. Rubber sleeves are a bit chewed, but not by me. $33 shipped. Vroom vroom.
Right side controls: kills switch, start button, mirror mount. $30 shipped. Big scratch in dining room table from daughter's science fair project not included.
Big white water bottle thing with metal handle. Tastes terrible. I think it is called a camelback, but the hose is too short to reach my mouth, so I took it off. $24 shipped.
Odometer. 10,XXX miles on it, but it rides like new. Oil changed every 2,000 miles, and generates extra 27 horsepower. This thing would look stellar on your mantle. $100 shipped.
Rear rack, stock, perfect for bolting a milkcrate to. Will fit all 87-07 KLRs and almost every BMW GS series, as long as you use enough nails. $35 shipped cause it is heavy.
A second view of the rack, showing where the nails go for GS installation.
Windshield, stock, guaranteed to block 7% of the wind and direct 85% of the bugs onto your helmet. $22 shipped. Big fat thumb not included, nor is the crappy woodpile.
Supertrapp exhaust... designed to melt plastic, from what I hear. Sounds like there is something loose rattling inside, but I didn't open it up to investigate. Has some junk melted to it in a few small spots, and a few scratch marks where some bonehead tried to scrape off the melted stuff. $50 shipped?
The end looks like this... I think it only has three bolts because loud pipes save lives, but I'm not entirely sure.
This is my old truck. I sold it a few months ago, but check out that interior... not for sale, but seriously, check out that red on red hotness. 1990 f-150 XLT Lariat... seats 8, but not a single cupholder to be found... Even the headliner was red. Think about how many wild velours they had to kill to make that truck...
Passenger pegs and brackets... there is nothing funny about passenger pegs and brackets, so quit looking for a joke. Just send me $33 and I'll mail them to you so you can see for yourself how unfunny these things are. That left one looks rusty but it is really just dirty.
CDI unit and bracket. I don't even know what this fucking thing is. eBay seems to think that it is worth $150 to $200, but I think most eBay sellers are a bunch of greedy bastards, so how about $110 shipped? $10 discount if you can tell me what it is and why I'd want one. $15 discount if you can do so in haiku. $20 discount if you do so in a series of haikus that not only explains the meaning but also involves me slaying dragons and winning the hot princess...
Blue KLR seat, rip in nose, needs to be recovered or repaired, but the pan is in fine shape... which means that the pan is just as painful as every other KLR seat pan. Why mess up your clean and pretty stock seat when you could experiment on this blue bastard? $55 shipped.
That is it for now. PM me if you are interested...
Monday, June 22, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Here's the pattern: In the door, slap the light, and unzip while walking full speed so that by the time I reach the bowl I am ready to, ahem, uh, tinkle. Sorry, scratch that. I am a great big behemoth of a man. I do NOT tinkle. I, um, go wee wee. Anyway, this preparation en route reduces the process by two seconds or more per bio-break, which spread out over the course of a week leaves me with close to two minutes of free quality time.
Here's the conflict: the work bathroom is a multi-bowl configuration, set up in a U-shape, with the doorway and short hallway on one side of the U, the sinks and paper towels at the U-base, and the bowls and urinal at the other side. This layout means that my zipper is down with still roughly a dozen steps to go before I reach my target.
Now, it is bad enough that I am walking around zipper down in a room that might contain other people, let alone persons potentially in charge of my career. What's worse is that on occasion I come across a coworker coming around the corner. I'm a scary enough looking dude as is, but running into me coming full speed around a corner with a zipper down is a pretty sketchy proposition. The added bonus is that these people are typically coming at me with wet hands and reaching for the waist-height paper towels. Awkward... very, very awkward.
This leads me to a two-part conclusion:
1) I should probably start wearing underwear, and
2) Victoria's Secret is probably not the best choice.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
1)The man who killed a Weslyan student recently may be charged with a hate crime due to racist journal entries. Um, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t murder itself pretty hateful? Is there a special section of prison for people who commit a misdemeanor or two en route to a felony?
“Hey MadDog, be careful of the new guy in cell block 6…”
“Why is that, Spike?
“Well, he robbed a bank.”
“ So what?”
“After he robbed the bank, he jaywalked on his way to the getaway car; not only that, but his getaway driver made an illegal right turn on red!”
“Wow, he’s hard core. Thanks for the warning!”
2)The Coast Guard graduation is today, and apparently the speaker is Johnette Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Security. Can anyone tell me why the lead singer and bassist for Concrete Blonde is acting as Secretary of Homeland Security? Was there no one else more qualified? I’m pretty sure I’d be better for the job, as I’ve put up several picket fences, and once fired my nephew’s 0.22 rifle, hitting a soda can dead center from 50 yards. Matter of fact, I shot that can without shooting anyone in the face, so I might make a pretty solid Vice President too…
Thursday, April 16, 2009
In response, I have decided to request help from someone smaller than me anytime I need to move anything that I deem to be below my designated weight threshhold. If I need to get a copy from the printer, I will ask for help. Need a new pen? You better believe it. Could someone run over to the cooler and refill my water mug?
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
In fact, during that time, I saw what you were doing just then, and really, now, how old are you? You should be ashamed. At least wash your hands when you're done.
In an odd coincidence, my daughter went to her eye doctor the same day, and she was also a bit disturbed by your actions, but slightly less so as she is only 7.5 and doesn't fully grasp the complexity of that thing you were doing. When she is older I will try to explain it to her.
Monday, March 23, 2009
I did a few dozen laps alternating between butterfly and backstroke with kickflip turns and even measured breaths, and by that I mean I did a lap and a half of semi-retarded freestyle with great gasping gulps of panic, fearing more for my life with each chaotic spasm of my willy-nilly limbs. (How do you do a half lap, you ask? Obviously you plan it out ahead of time so that you end up in the shallow end so you can walk the last half lap. I may be a bad swimmer but mama didn’t raise no dummy.)
As I clung gasping to the wall at the end of the last half lap, I wondered two things:
1) The body craves more oxygen during exercise to fuel working muscles, therefore heart and respiratory rate increase. As such, shortness of breath and an elevated heart rate typically indicates that exercise is being achieved. I exhibited these symptoms at the end of my swim, aka nearly drowning in a horizontal fashion. The big question is, however, does nearly drowning constitute exercise? Is there a fundamental difference? And if so, is there any way to incorporate the wii fit balance board?
2) If you look at people that run great distances for exercise, you begin to see similarities between them and other mammals that run. They get sleek and wiry like cheetahs or horses. Does this mean that as I swim I may start to resemble a whale? If fat helps me float, isn't my body likely to do whatever it takes to preserve my inherent flotation? My goal is to burn fat, but the self-preservation instinct would call for less drowning, and therefore the preservation of more flotation, aka fat. If regular swimming is likely to cause the preservation (or increase) of fat reserves, I may retire my Speedo for good (as 6.76 billion humans breathe a collective sigh of relief).
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Finally, at long last, someone finally captured the missing element from so many almost-great comic book superhero movies... that's right, sportsfans, I just watched almost three hours of bright blue naked giant man-bits swinging about on screen. This phenomenon was exaggerated by the fact that I saw it all on IMAX, so that the already impressive blue fruit basket was supersized.
It was superhero meets Smurf porn.
It was Blue Man Group meets the Full Monty.
It was a whole new take on the phrase "blue balls".
(In case you have wisely chosen to preserve an extra three hours of your life, one of the main characters in the movie is some sort of steroided hairless muscleman made out of blue energy that walks around buck naked the entire movie.)
The soundtrack, special effects, and CGI were amazing. The concepts were interesting. The storyline, however, was a bit confusing. I can only assume that someone dropped the screenplay on the way to the copier and got the scenes shuffled. I bet this movie starts a lot of nerd fights about whether super powers are required to be a superhero... most of these characters had cool outfits but no powers. Somehow all the powers got lumped onto one character...
Anyway, did I mention there was naked blue dong everywhere?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
helmet lump: hel mut luh mp, from the Polish Helmutsky Lumpowiescz; refers to the little nub on the back of the skull that allows helmets and hats to stay on properly. In SAT format, ass is to tool belt as nose is to glasses and helmet lump is to helmets.
I've decided to quit the diet soda in hopes of shifting my metabolism to help with some weight loss. The latest diet misconception that I'm operating on is that the chemicals and artificial sweeteners in diet soda cause the body to store fat and crave sweets and salts, and that this is the cause for my elevated BMI. Others have suggested that said phenomenon may in fact be related to my lack of exercise and the vast amounts of food I cram down my pie hole, but I assure you that they are sorely mistaken.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
We drank our beers, left a tenner, and ran away.
NOTE TO ALL PUB OWNERS: I don't care if your bar is knee deep in leprachauns, shallayleighs, and four leaf clovers, your pub ain't Irish if you've got an angry Russian chick tending bar.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I haven't yet come up with a better line to make light of my pint-sized bladder, and still find myself tempted to fall back on that comparison. Truth is I wish I had the bladder of my six year old girl... anyway, where was I? Oh, that's right, over there, on the couch, about to piss myself.
I've almost peed myself on many a long car ride, trying to make it one more exit.
I've almost peed myself at bars or parties when the bathroom is occupied and my bladder has about given up the good fight.
I've almost peed myself at concerts, unwilling to make the run during a good song. (Tragically enough, not all venues offer the convenience of the Meadows in Hartford. At this outdoor amphitheater, concert goers typically break through the wooden fence at the top of the hill, thereby creating a close and convenient potty alternative to trekking the mile or so through the venue to the actual bathrooms. I used these alternate accommodations one fine evening at an Allman Brothers show after many a beer. I ducked through the hole in the fence, walked down the fence line to the first available spot, and proceeded to drain the lizard. Mid-pee I glanced down at to my left where I noticed the couple in the grass, pants at their ankles, frantically humping like bunnies, not more than a foot from where I stood. Following the proper "dude pissing" etiquette, I nodded hello, mumbled "Howzit going?", and returned my gaze to the fence boards in front of me.)
Anyway, this evening, I almost peed myself while finishing up Kevin Smith's "My Boring Ass Life". His account of trying to get Jason Mewes off of heroin was so incredibly compelling that I came pretty damn near to staining the sofa. I just couldn't put the book down for the minute or so that my bio-break might require.
Long way to come for a book review, eh?
Monday, March 9, 2009
Like Gramma always said, if you've got a spare room, and grammar and spelling aren't high on your list of roommate requirements, you head to the Craigslist "housing wanted" section... I had no idea what sort of sketchy creepshow awaited me there. How sketchy, you ask? Well, I don't want to go throwing around numbers after just barely dusting off teh old Sketchometer, but let's just say that it is pretty well pegged at maximum sketchiness.
Here's one memorable post from a few weeks ago: (names and emails have not been changed... I'm all about protecting the innocent, but I have no such altruism towards the creepy and deranged.)
FIRST, AN UNEDITTED COPY FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE:
Hello, thanks for reading.
I am looking for a two-bedroom apartment or similar housing for rent, for two occupants, that can be considered a good value. This may include something with a lot of amenities, or not. Certainly, I DO like amenities though.
I am open toward most options available, and have few overall requirement. I WOULD like a bottom floor, and a second floor is great, too, as long as the bottom floor is present. I would however be open to hearing about something that doesn't have a bottom floor, if it presented fantastic value.
Other than that one need, I am open to suggestion. A nice location is desirable , as well as garages, overall space, and included utilities. Again, I am flexible and will choose something reasonably priced for the quality of apartment. I would rather have an above-average home that's averagely priced than a very cheap home.
That's about it! I have early mornings and afternoons free to check out a property if you have one "i just gotta see!"
Credit report and proof of income is available. Deposit should be no problem.
Feel free to contact my email, email@example.com and expect a speedy response.
AND NOW, A FEW COMMENTS:
Hello, thanks for reading.
I am looking for a two-bedroom apartment or similar housing for rent, for two occupants, that can be considered a good value. This may include something with a lot of amenities, or not. Certainly, I DO like amenities though. WELL CERTAINLY, OF COURSE. I MEAN REALLY, WHO DOESN'T LIKE AMENITIES?
I am open toward most options available, and have few overall requirement. I WOULD like a bottom floor, and a second floor is great, too, as long as the bottom floor is present. UPPER LEVELS WITHOUT LOWER LEVELS WILL BE CONSIDERED TO BE STRUCTURALLY UNSOUND AND ARE THEREFORE NOT CONSIDERED TO BE A GOOD VALUE. I would however be open to hearing about something that doesn't have a bottom floor, if it presented fantastic value AND INCLUDED STAIRS, AN ELEVATOR, A LADDER, OR SOME OTHER MEANS OF ACCESS. I SUPPOSE I COULD BRING MY OWN LADDER, BUT AGAIN, THAT WOULD LIKELY TO NOT BE CONSIDERED A GOOD VALUE. THIS REMINDS ME OF ANOTHER AD WHICH OFFERED A PRIVATE SECOND FLOOR BEDROOM, WITH PRIVATE BATH AVAILABLE IN THE BASEMENT.
Other than that one need WHICH ONE, AMENITIES? OR DO YOU MEAN THE SECOND FLOOR LOCATION WITH BOTTOM FLOOR PRESENT? , I am open to suggestion. HERE'S A SUGGESTION... GO FIND YOURSELF A NICE REFRIGERATOR BOX IN THE WOODS BEHIND THE 7-11. YOU ARE TOO FREAKY TO LIVE AMONG OTHER HUMANS. A nice location is desirable , as well as garages, overall space, and included utilities. Again, I am flexible and will choose something reasonably priced for the quality of apartment. I would rather have an above-average home that's averagely priced than a very cheap home.
That's about it! HE WROTE WITH GREAT ENTHUSIASM... I have early mornings and afternoons free to check out a property if you have one "i just gotta see!" ASSUMING OF COURSE THAT IT HAS BOTH AMENITIES, AND THAT ANY UPER LEVELS WOULD BE ATTACHED TO STRUCTURALLY SOUND LOWER LEVELS.
Credit report and proof of income is available. Deposit should be no problem. AS IN IT SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM, BUT IT PROBABLY WILL BE...
Feel free to contact my email, firstname.lastname@example.org WHAT? ZOMBIEKNIFA? YOU KNIFE ZOMBIES? YOU PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED THAT BEFORE YOUR DISSERTATION ON THE REQUIRED ADJACENCY OF BILEVEL LIVING ARRANGEMENTS. MIGHT I ALSO EMAIL THE SECOND OCCUPANT DESCRIBED ABOVE, WHO I CAN ONLY ASSUME IS REACHABLE AT ZOMBIEKNIFAGIRL@GMAIL.COM... and expect a speedy response AFTER I CALL 911 IN TERROR AT THE THOUGHT OF YOU SHARING MY PLANET, LET ALONE MY HOME.
This goes without saying, but the Kevster and ZombieKnifaGirl move in next weekend.
More often than not, I end up sending all three of my movies in at once... Not that I watch all three in a sitting, but I tend to forget to send them in, thereby turning a membership-based service into my own personal economic stimulus package. (I provide similar stimulus to my gym as well.) Anyway, so a few days ago, I went to the mailbox and found the following three movies glaring at my from the dark depths of my spider-infested mailbox: Horton Hears a Hoo, SawV, and My Best Friend's Girl.
I'll provide full movie reviews soon, but for now, let me just say that the thought of having to watch "My Best Friend's Girl" again if far more terrifying than any of the torture scenes depicted in "SawV". On a related note, a whole crate full of this movie was just mailed to Guantanamo. Apparently forced viewings have been found to be 78% more effectove than waterboarding.
In other words, back by popular demand is my own little chunk of the vast void of socially redeeming content lovingly known as the Internets. That's right baby, the Sketchometer is back. So, to sum up my absence over the last many moons, well, I woke up, checked my email, did some stuff, changed jobs, suffered through a long cold winter without motorcycle therapy, watched TV, and fell asleep watching Iron Chef.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Why am I writing now, you ask? Simple, really. Fall arrived yesterday. I know this because I woke up at 4:30AM for no apparent reason with no hopes of sleeping again... that means summer is done, and it is time for my sleep disorders to kick back in. Again, this morning, here it is ungodly early and I am back at the computer.
Call it a summer vacation, I guess, assuming that you call two long weekends to be an adequate summer vacation. I call it "sucks to be a grown up", but hey, tomatoe, tomato, whatever.
So here's the quick update... I've been one busy dude these past months. I sold the old truck and two motorcycles, bought a new (to me) motorcycle, and bought out most of the local Home Depot. Summer projects included framing in a new TV room in the basement, building a new dog fence to reclaim several heavily contaminated dog poo zones, building a living room halfwall to reclaim the living room and dining room as dog free zones, knocking out a built in giant planter thing at the end of the driveway to make more room, poured a slab to fill in the resulting giant crater at the end of the driveway, dropped and chopped and split a few cord of firewood, and I'm partway done framing in the new screen porch.
Between non-stop projects and long weeks at work and the need to do all sorts of computer stuff to get the vehicles sold and the new vehicles bought after researching for many many hours, that didn't leave a whole lot of time for typing up snarky little stories.
So that is mostly why it has been a long freaking time since writing.
Rest assured, though, I've got plenty new stuff to say... I'm a bit backed up, so to speak. I've eaten too much mental cheese and the old brain dump highway is a bit constipated.
Rewind about 5 or 6 years... we were on vacation in SC, staying at wifey's mom's house in the uber fancy guest suite... picture a sort of a dark cool Bellagio-esqe room, impeccably decorated, furnished with fancy little trashcans that cost more than our bedroom set. Anyway, Kid 1.0 is just a baby at this point, and she all stopped up, hasn't poo'ed in days, and is running a fever as well. After days of a cheese and whitebread diet, Wifey get worried about her bowels and gives her some baby-laxative medicine, a bowl of raisins, and a big shot of prune juice into her formula. She waits 10 minutes, hands the kid to me, and then immediately leaves. Not leaves the room, she leaves the house. She leaves the town. She might have even crossed state lines.
Anyway, all is well for a few minutes, and then I hear the most unholy rumbling and gurgling from Baby 1.0's lower half, followed by olfactory notification that it was time for a new diaper. We head up to the bedroom, and I lay out hand towel to protect the bedspread. I open the diaper and see ... well, in the interest of avoiding too much detail, let's just say that Baby 1.0 was no longer stopped up. I cleaned the situation up, and was putting on a fresh diaper when she looked up at me, made a funny face, and then exploded from every orifice. We're talking sudden vast quantities, top & bottom, front & back, the whole deal. All in the middle of the fanciest guest room that one can imagine, with no help available within miles.
By the time wifey returned, I had used up full box of wipes, 4 more diapers, a full can of rug cleaner (no, not on the baby), and had 2 full baskets of laundry to do. Kid 1.0 was happy as could be now that she was purged.
That's the sort of brain dump I'm expecting, so stay tuned... and grab some of those computer wet-wipes, 'cause this might get messy...
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
May: Wifey got a severe headache on May 24th which lasted for 6 days, 5 missed work days, 3 narcotic prescriptions, 2 PCP office visits, 2 cat scans, one MRI, 1 neurosurgeon, on neurologist, and one 12-hour ER visit before finally starting to go away. The good news is that nothing serious is wrong. The bad news is that they still don't know exactly what caused it or why she still has a low grade headache. The other bad news is that judging from my expert review of her MRI, it appears that my wife has several famous aliens in her brain. Go ahead and even try to tell me I'm wrong:
Exhibit 3: The Predator
June: Early June was largely consumed by a nasty heatwave and wifey recovering from the severe headache and trying to get rid of the lesser headache. And no, don't you go calling it a migraine, or all doctors and nurses within a 12 mile radius will immediately get their panties in a big wad because there is apparently a clinical variance between migraine symptoms and that of severe head pain that makes one stop eating and lie flat in a dark room for 6 days.
June 15th/16th, Father's Day and my 33rd birthday has thus far been overshadowed by my first real car accident. No injuries, thankfully, but the Honda Element was crunched up pretty good and had to be wheeled off on a stretcher. We were headed home from our season ending lacrosse game... have I mentioned that I've been coaching my daughter's 1st and 2nd grade girls lacrosse team? Anyway, I was pulling out of a parking lot onto a busy three lane each way road near the Farmington mall. I don't know what happened but all of a sudden there was shiny black Jetta lodged in my front left quarter panel. Never saw the dude, not sure if he was speeding or swerved into the lane or popped out of a wormhole or what... there is even the tiniest of possibilities that I just didn't see him, but I think the supernatural is far more likely.
Long story short: $1000 deductible, Brian is on a motorcycle for the week, and today's forecast is strong thunderstorms with high winds and large hail likely. I feel like I got hit by William "the Fridge" Perry, and now I need to go help a coworker move his office. Awesome. Can't wait to see what the rest of the day holds... Happy Birthday big B...
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
After many an angry email about the lack of updates, I have decided to bravely choke back the actual vomit and spew forth some blog-vomit for your reading pleasure...
First off, in trying to find an appropriate picture to convey just how freaking bright these new fluorescent bulbs are, I did an image search on "burned retinas". It turns out that only a few google image results for this search are actually about bright things, while the majority are from people blogging about things that they have seen that are so horrifying so as to burn the image onto their retinas forever. Most aren't really appropriate, but here is one for your viewing pleasure:
It is time to end this post as the fuzzy orange haze is starting to creep back into the edges of my vision... more coming as soon as I stop heaving... BH