"There’s no link between diabetes and diet.
That’s a white myth, Ken, like Larry Bird or Colorado."
-Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock
Friday, April 25, 2008
Much in the same way that responsible drivers should be handed a stack of "hey, you're driving like an asshat" stickers to be distributed at will, I think that other responsible individuals should be given a whole stack of "Just Plain Wrong" cards for distribution in other situations. As an internationally reknowned individual who does everything pretty much perfectly, I'd be happy to spearhead this movement, provided I would report directly to the United Nations, and that I have a budget similar to that of national defense. And an office with one of those neat mesh high tech office chairs.
Coming soon, from the Department of Just Plain Wrong: two of the wrongest t-shirts I've ever seen, which I of course had to buy while on vacation in Orlando.
Friday, April 18, 2008
I think that 6 or 7 is the ideal age to visit Disney. I was 5 and remember almost nothing except eating a hotdog in a funny paper wrapper and falling off a moon-bounce thing and skinning my knee. If you wait till 8 or 9 I think a lot of the magic is gone, as well as some of the innocent belief. At this age, Disney is still sorta real... the princesses might just be real princesses, and the characters are not yet sweaty teenagers making $6.50 an hour to get heat stroke. Also, below that age you may run into height restrictions... Lucy is tall enough that it wasn't an issue. There is certainly fun stuff for younger kids, but with few lasting memories for them, a $65 day ticket for a 3 year old is pretty steep for me and my rock and roll paycheck to paycheck lifestyle.
We did Animal Kingdom on day 1 and Magic Kingdom on day 2. AK is a pretty reasonable one day, while MK is a long one day or maybe a day and a half... but by halfway through MK day, I was straight up exhausted. After a rest, a nap, a beer, and a dinner, I was ready for a few more hours, but we all slept in from midnight till about 10AM the next day.
On the third day, we planned on doing Seaworld but got the impression that it was a couple of cool shows (dolphins, sea lions, and Shamu) mixed with a bunch of coasters. We don't do coasters... hell, I nearly hurl after 3 seconds on a swingset... so we decided to skip SeaWorld and have a mellow day. Instead we went to GatorLand, "Orlando's Best Half day Attraction", and we were really psyched to find that it was an awesome spot. I feared that it would be a big concrete swimming pool with a bunch of sickly gators and Cletus poking them with a stick, but it was in fact a great place to spend a few hours. There were a few shows with snakes, tarantulas, and creepy critters, a brief gator wrestling event, and a jumping for chickens show, but the best part was the huge breeding marsh with boardwalk and observation tower. You could get within feet of hundreds of gators, and the swamp birds like cattle egrets were nesting a few feet away as well. The shows were fun and goofy enough for a kid to enjoy, but still cool for adults, and the boardwalk was really neat too.... and at under $20 for an adult, or 1/4 the price of a Disney/SeaWorld/Universal, I think it is a must see location.
In my mind, Epcot is too educational for young kids. I went a few years ago and found much of it, um, kinda boring. I think Disney Hollywood Park, Seaworld, and Universal are also not well suited for young kids. We also skipped the waterparks due to the 50 degree weather and, again, the motion sickness issue above.
So, for us, I think a three day visit was pretty much perfect...
Day 1: get in late afternoon, get settled, and souvenier shop at an outlety (preemptive strike... we skipped 98% of the 432,789 gift shops in the parks by buying a few things right away.... saved us roughly 6 days and $56,089 dollars.)
Day 2: Animal Kingdom for an easier day, get used to the process and the ways to beat the system (FAST PASS!)
Day 3: Long day at Magic Kingdom, break Midday, and stay late.
Day 4: sleep in, hit GatorLand on the way to the airport (or catch early flight the next day).
That's a pretty good long weekend, hit the best and skip the rest! Tis oif course assumes kids... if you are without kids, this advice is really crappy and you should totally ignore it.
I'm not saying that M.Mouse or D. Duck had anything to do with the three-fingered concierge, but it was intriguing nonetheless.
Friday, April 11, 2008
It is a quirk, I'll admit, but I like to see what sort of weird stuff people sell, and I like to know what stuff is worth... like if I had a bunch of leather bondage gear to trade, what might i get for it? (odd that I keep going back to that one post... better discuss that in next weeks' electrotherapy session...)Anyway, I come across all sort of wackiness.... here's a few:
Here's a funny end to a "for sale" ad for a motorcycle:
"These were very easy miles. I am in my mid 40's and do not ride aggresively. Please reply to me at firstname.lastname@example.org"
So how do you define agressively? One way might be riding fast. Hmm.
Next up, an interesting definition of the word "honest". (abridged version)
23 yr old male from the looking for a weekend Part Time job that pays under the table. I'm very easy going, honest, respectful, great with people, a team player, and a person who gives 100% effort into everything I do. Just an honest guy looking to make a few bucks to make ends meet.
Hmm, last time I checked, under the table jobs were ILLEGAL. Doing illegal stuff is typically viewed as, oh, what's the word, Not Honest?
Finally, this ad just makes me sad, and makes me doubt the survival of our species for much longer. This message is presented uneditted in its entirety for your viewing pleasure.
SUP PPLS i got a hole ls swaup for 88 to 91 crx or civic hatchback so if any 1 got a shell for sell call=860-208-5128 or mail me at GORILLASELLCARS@YAHOO.COM I got the car n drive it it need paper work im no goin tru tha so if any got a shell hit me up will pay up to $500 or will trade the hole swup crx for 92+civic hatchback
I'm not sure, but I think he might want to buy or sell or trade something vaguely Honda related, but that is about all I can gather. I also suspect he might be wearing a baseball cap at some odd angle, but again, that is just a guess.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Hmm, says me, a leather gift... I think I know just the thing that would make the perfect anniversary gift, and it is leather too...
To start with, there were probably 1000 motorcycle dudes all dressed up in their leather outfits with tough guy vests, bandanas, chaps, and various other body accessories with the ever-present Harley Davidson symbol. There were vests and jackets representing various groups of Hells Angels, Bikers for Christ, the Silver City Rollers, all the big clubs and groups. These dudes were generally dressed in full biker garb, serious biker attire, all 1000 of them, each tougher than the next. The funny thing is, there were only about 200 bikes in the lot. Which means that probably 800 of these yahoos woke up in the morning and decided to play dress-up.
"Let's dress up like bikers today!"
"Sure thing Tiger... but it is not sunny and 70 degrees, so we can't take the motorcycle.. we better fire up the Jetta!"
"Okay my sweet T-Bone, too bad it is not sunny enough to take the Cabrio..."
"Yeah, maybe we can take it tomorrow when we dress up like superheros or
I can just picture five or six of these Devil's Warriors Gang members hopping into Jerry's Honda Odyssey and swinging through Starbucks for lattechino mocha grandissimus smoothies on the way...
The other funny thing was that of the hundred or so tables/tents/tarps/piles of assorted chrome, black leather, and rusted out piles of tentanus, I saw excatly zero price tags or identifications of any sort. Apparently to find an item of interest, you just need to be walking down the aisle, and suddenly notice the left baffled doofelater cover from a 1973 Shovelhead Sportster that you've been seeking all those years. After all, there have only been a few dozen models produced each of the past 50 years, so how hard could it be to find what you need in a big pile? I'm pretty sure that these vendors were all philosophically opposed to the concept of actually selling any items.
Funny Side Note: In searching for funny pictures to include on this article, I have come to the realization that there are a ridiculous number of dogs names Harley. Do a search like I did and gaze in wonder at the multitudes... I'm just glad to see that these dogs aren't draped in useless chrome and black leather like these ridiculous bikes.
As you can see above, there is a bountiful booty there, lying victoriously atop my bracket. The handful of small red checkmarks show the games that I guessed correctly. The multitude of red scribbles show my route to victory, officially guessing wrong more often than anyone else in the pool. As the official worst entry, I won back my entry fee... so I collected my losings, and am headed to Vegas, baby!... unless I get hungry along the way, in which case this pile of cash should be just enough to score me a sammich.
Monday, April 7, 2008
There is a former Hitchcock Furniture store in my town, which is very visible from the highway. The company was originally founded in Connecticut by the son of a Revolutionary War veteran who was lost at sea. But that is neither here nor there. The store closed down in the spring of 2006, and the storefront has deteriorated since then. Then, late one night, a band of theiving vandals struck. Here's what they left behind:Now at first glance, I didn't think much of it... some punk kids ripped down a few letters from a sign. Big deal. But then I got thinking about it... and then I realized that somewhere out there, some theiving little bastard punk kid has a three foot high "cock" on his wall. And you know what? I'd like to track him down and shake his hand. Good score, young punk! A street sign or a construction sign on the dorm wall is pretty tame, almost a prerequisite along with a tapestry and a Pink Floyd poster, but to have a three foot cock on your wall, that there is something to be proud of. (EDIT: never end a sentence with a preposition!) ... that there is something to be proud of, dude!
What I have discovered about Brian is that he may be “Bandwidth Poor”. The incident happened shortly after my arrival. We were chatting in his kitchen about what to do that evening. It seemed like a nice ride in the rain was not an option because Brian has Aquaphobia (B-NOTE: see above... I'm no sissy...). He suggested maybe a movie. I thought great I stated that I would like to see 21 he said great let me check the times. He reached into his front pocket then sorted thru a small stack of PostIt notes and produced a small list of “Movie” times there appeared to be abbreviated titles and times when each movie would play. He ran thru the list suggesting other possible things to see and was stopped when he reached SL. “I have no idea what this movie is so we will skip it”. We agreed to see 21 and took off to get some dinner. (The movie was StopLoss, but that's irrelevant.)
After dinner Brian again had to check some more movie times so back to “The Internet” he went and he while driving reached into his pocket and pulled sever stacks of PostIt Notes . He found the List and checked the start Time. “Hay Dave we still have about and hour and a half I have to get some stuff you want to go with me?” . Since he was driving he just put all his info on the console between the seats. We stopped to get some gas and it was the perfect time for me to look at his notes. The first pad I grabbed was the same thing hand written on each page “Google” with a square box below. I found sever articles about current events on other notes, and then found the movie list with the attached PostIt “Movies 06033” on a “Google” PostIt. There was a mini Flip book with an animated Stickman knocking himself out with nun chucks labled YouTube. Some postings from news groups, some others with little stick people that I could not figure out what was going on it looked like a football game or wrestling, and his latest blog. It is obvious he has some internet Proxy (literally) that is giving him his info. And God willing I will find this proxy before I leave his house, and can slip this blog enter into the mix. (he didn't as it turned out, but slipped a Post-It Note of his own into my pocket...)
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
The weirdest part was that she was rising a really nice road bike... not brand new, not top of the line, but a perfectly respectable bike nonetheless. Usually those outfits are reserved for folks riding kids bikes down the center of the highway, or riding a spray-painted cruiser with a three-wheeled shopping cart trailing behind.
It was a jaw dropping, turn your head and openly stare sort of moment, especially in the fancy downtown area of the semi-snooty town that I live in, where sparkly new Volvo station wagons and giant SUVs are the default vehicles of choice. Awesome. Simply awesome.