"There’s no link between diabetes and diet.
That’s a white myth, Ken, like Larry Bird or Colorado."
-Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Smurf Porn

X-Men was a great comic book/superhero movie, but I really was disappointed by the lack of primary colored frontal male nudity. Superman was a great comic book/superhero movie, but again, no primary colored male genitals. Spiderman? Also great, but tragically devoid of oddly colored naked man-junk throughout the film.

Finally, at long last, someone finally captured the missing element from so many almost-great comic book superhero movies... that's right, sportsfans, I just watched almost three hours of bright blue naked giant man-bits swinging about on screen. This phenomenon was exaggerated by the fact that I saw it all on IMAX, so that the already impressive blue fruit basket was supersized.

It was superhero meets Smurf porn.
It was Blue Man Group meets the Full Monty.
It was a whole new take on the phrase "blue balls".
It was...Watchmen.

(In case you have wisely chosen to preserve an extra three hours of your life, one of the main characters in the movie is some sort of steroided hairless muscleman made out of blue energy that walks around buck naked the entire movie.)

The soundtrack, special effects, and CGI were amazing. The concepts were interesting. The storyline, however, was a bit confusing. I can only assume that someone dropped the screenplay on the way to the copier and got the scenes shuffled. I bet this movie starts a lot of nerd fights about whether super powers are required to be a superhero... most of these characters had cool outfits but no powers. Somehow all the powers got lumped onto one character...

Anyway, did I mention there was naked blue dong everywhere?

11 comments:

Emilio said...

Do the pepperonis at the supermarket make you uncomfortable?

Hi, my name is Brian, and this is my blog said...

no, but giant blue swinging penises at the supermarket do. Does that make me homophobic?

Todd Wetzel said...

I hear the makers of watchmen are going to re-make Repo Man and Heavy Metal. I can't wait.

Yahootie Jabootie said...

Is it the color that offends you?

Hi, my name is Brian, and this is my blog said...

I watched this movie called "Sex Drive" where a high school kid takes a road trip to meet some girl he met online. In the unrated director's cut, the producer says in the introduction something to the effect of "a unrated version of a movie is supposed to have lots more nudity, so that is what I did", and true to his word, random naked people would walk across the background of random scenes. He actually gave the interview with some naked dude standing next to him on a pedestal with his manbits right at eye level. It was hilarious and brilliant in a twisted sophomoric sort of way, but it was distracting in a similar way to the big blue CGI dong everywhere. So no, its not the color so much as the excessive misplaced dongitude of it... but thanks for asking.

Yahootie Jabootie said...

Yeah I don't like blue junk either. It would have been way better if it was plaid.

Emilio said...

The wang was uncommonly still in the movie. Was it the stillness that disturbed you? Had it swayed from side to side or bobbed up and down would that have been better or worse?

shamalam said...

But have you seen Caligula?

d said...

09/03/30/song-chart-memes-topics-watchmen/

d said...

http://graphjam.com/2009/03/30/song-chart-memes-topics-watchmen/

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