"There’s no link between diabetes and diet.
That’s a white myth, Ken, like Larry Bird or Colorado."
-Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock

Monday, June 8, 2009

Zipper Discretion, or Things not to do at Work

As I've mentioned in the past, my bladder is of non-legendary proportions. I have also mentioned that I have roughly 37 seconds of free time in any given day. The combination of these two factors has led to a relatively innocuous home habit behavior that I never gave much thought to until it started up at work.

Here's the pattern: In the door, slap the light, and unzip while walking full speed so that by the time I reach the bowl I am ready to, ahem, uh, tinkle. Sorry, scratch that. I am a great big behemoth of a man. I do NOT tinkle. I, um, go wee wee. Anyway, this preparation en route reduces the process by two seconds or more per bio-break, which spread out over the course of a week leaves me with close to two minutes of free quality time.

Here's the conflict: the work bathroom is a multi-bowl configuration, set up in a U-shape, with the doorway and short hallway on one side of the U, the sinks and paper towels at the U-base, and the bowls and urinal at the other side. This layout means that my zipper is down with still roughly a dozen steps to go before I reach my target.

Now, it is bad enough that I am walking around zipper down in a room that might contain other people, let alone persons potentially in charge of my career. What's worse is that on occasion I come across a coworker coming around the corner. I'm a scary enough looking dude as is, but running into me coming full speed around a corner with a zipper down is a pretty sketchy proposition. The added bonus is that these people are typically coming at me with wet hands and reaching for the waist-height paper towels. Awkward... very, very awkward.

This leads me to a two-part conclusion:
1) I should probably start wearing underwear, and
2) Victoria's Secret is probably not the best choice.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh, and this is the one post without a picture? Sheesh.