No Bandanas Allowed!

So I walk into the gym yesterday afternoon, and immediately notice a new sign... I am a sign reader by nature, and always notice signs. I notice the Easter menu at the Cumberland County Fairground Cafe which includes "Rost Pork", I notice the Brunswick Maine Dunkin' Donuts "Coustomer Parking Only" sign, and I definitely notice signs at the gym, which invariable include "ect." at the end of lists.

This new sign was an update to the old Gym Rules sign. The gym has always prohibited certain attire; no boots or jeans are allowed in the workout area, as the boots track in mud and the jean rivets rip the vinyl seats. They also prohibit cursing (poor manners), yelling (duh), chalk (messy), and cell phones(please, do shut your trap you yappy bitch. If you can hold a full conversation while on an exercise bike/treadmill/ellipical machine, chances are you're either an Olympic athlete or you're not trying hard enough, and by the looks of you, I'm guessing the latter. Remember, Chatty von TalksTooMuch, spandex is a priveledge, not a right.) Anyway, the new rules include these two gems:

1. No bandanas.
2. No hats with skeletons on them.

There was no further clarification, no discussion, and not even any threatened punishment for such nefarious wardrobe infractions. These new rules brought to mind a few obvious questions... for one, bandanas, or does it apply to all bandanas? Is the bandana ban only for head-worn kerchiefs? For instance, what if you are part of this jaunty crew? (thanks to Tree for enriching my life with this picture... read more about this absurd photo over at The Canyon Treehouse.)

Are you no longer allowed to wear a bandana on your ankle if you are the token ethnic dude in the golf-rock boyband? If a busload of old Russian grandmas wearing babushkas show up eager to pump some iron, will they be turned away? And what if for some reason you decide to dress like a cowboy at the gym? The authenticity of your outfit will already be significantly diminished by the rules against boots or jeans, but a cowboy without a bandana is like a... um, a hat without a skeleton.

Which brings me to Rule #2... can I still wear shirts with skeletons? Pants with Skeletons? Socks with skeletons? Thongs with skeletons? Bandanas with skeletons? Oh, wait, Rule #1, I forgot. What about hats with just skulls, or other collections of bones, but not complete skeletons? Are those still Kosher? What if my hat has a skeleton wearing a bandana? Is that like double secret probation? What if I walk in wearing any of these fine duds?

Will I be arrested, just scorned, or (gasp) not allowed to buy really expensive smoothies from Vince?

I did a quick internet images search for "skeleton hat", and came across this:

I must say, after seeing this hat, I have to agree with the new rule. I know that my physical fitness would surely be impaired by a hat like this, so it really is in everyone's best interest to not wear skeleton hats.

Oh, and please wipe down the machines, treadmills, equipment ect. when you are done. Thanks you , the mgmt.