Thoughts on Disney

Let me begin by stating that I actively dislike big crowds, hot weather, and excessive consumerism/marketing especially to youth. With that said, I just got back from a trip to Walt Disney World in Florida during school vacation week. Further complicating the trip was that I was travelling with my mom, my sister, my wife, and my daughter. As the single Y-chromosome in the family truckster, I had the cards stacked against me...

Now I'm no conspiracy theorist, but a lot of people talk about how thoroughly Disney has taken over the culture of central Florida (and perhaps the world, via the Disney-AOL-Hershey-Microsoft-Google-Islam-Vatican City merger; I highly suggest that you read Team Rodent: How Disney Devours the World by Carl Hiaasen, a native Floridian jounalist with the Miami Herald, and one of my favorite authors).

Anyway, it was pretty clear to me right away... after arriving at the hotel, I went to talk to the concierge/guest services dude about what to see, where to go, and all that, and lo and behold, the dude had three fingers on one hand. It looked sort of like this...

which reminds me of this...

I'm not saying that M.Mouse or D. Duck had anything to do with the three-fingered concierge, but it was intriguing nonetheless.

With that said, the mission for the trip was to create a great vacation and memories for my almost seven year old daughter, so I had to put aside my X-Files suspicions, repress my y-chromosome instincts, and just do all that I could to ensure a great trip.

Given the crowds, the variety of attarctions, and the sheer scale of all that is Disney, it is of vital importance that you plan ahead and time everything perfectly. Planning for a 3 day Disney trip is akin to the preparations required by the Allied Forced before their early summer visit to the Beaches of Normandy... The lack of space on the internet prevents me from going into the full plan of attack, but let me share a few key pieces of wisdom:

1) The $15 fee to rent a stroller is the best money that you will ever spend. We didn't rent one the first day, and didn't make it 15 steps into the park before the first meltdown occurred due to tired feet and legs. And no, your child is not different. Disney is a magical place, and will create some priceless memories, but from time to time, it will also turn your normally peaceful child into a raving screaming lunatic. A one day walk through the Magic Kingdom is about as much walking as a typical Everest summit attempt... starting in Minneapolis. Get the stroller.

2) Go early, leave, and come back late. It defies all known rules of child-rearing, but we had our best Disney time between 6PM and midnight. There are no lines, plus the night-time parade and fireworks are both awesome, especially when viewed from a ride.

3) As a seven year old, the best rides include the Monorail and the tram, so don't be afraid to pack a lunch and take a ride back to the parking area for a car-side picnic. $5 Subway sammiches taste all the sweeter in a calm quiet car when compared to a $9 cold cheeseburger, a $5 order of fries, and a $4 Coke...

Gotta go unpack, bye for now ehhh.