Certainly, I DO like amenities though

Now I know that not many people will be able to relate to this, but finances have become a bit tight in our household for the last few years. We had a roommate for a few months, a coworker friend from my old job, but the big layoff there forced him to move back home and embark on a new career. We've been without that extra income for a few months, and we're getting mighty sick of ramen and boloney sandwiches. Therefore, we've been searching for a new roommate; we've asked around, but no one we know is looking for a new place.

Like Gramma always said, if you've got a spare room, and grammar and spelling aren't high on your list of roommate requirements, you head to the Craigslist "housing wanted" section... I had no idea what sort of sketchy creepshow awaited me there. How sketchy, you ask? Well, I don't want to go throwing around numbers after just barely dusting off teh old Sketchometer, but let's just say that it is pretty well pegged at maximum sketchiness.

Here's one memorable post from a few weeks ago: (names and emails have not been changed... I'm all about protecting the innocent, but I have no such altruism towards the creepy and deranged.)

FIRST, AN UNEDITTED COPY FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE:

Hello, thanks for reading.

I am looking for a two-bedroom apartment or similar housing for rent, for two occupants, that can be considered a good value. This may include something with a lot of amenities, or not. Certainly, I DO like amenities though.
I am open toward most options available, and have few overall requirement. I WOULD like a bottom floor, and a second floor is great, too, as long as the bottom floor is present. I would however be open to hearing about something that doesn't have a bottom floor, if it presented fantastic value.

Other than that one need, I am open to suggestion. A nice location is desirable , as well as garages, overall space, and included utilities. Again, I am flexible and will choose something reasonably priced for the quality of apartment. I would rather have an above-average home that's averagely priced than a very cheap home.
That's about it! I have early mornings and afternoons free to check out a property if you have one "i just gotta see!"

Credit report and proof of income is available. Deposit should be no problem.
Feel free to contact my email, zombieknifa@gmail.com and expect a speedy response.
Thanks,
Kevin

AND NOW, A FEW COMMENTS:

Hello, thanks for reading.
I am looking for a two-bedroom apartment or similar housing for rent, for two occupants, that can be considered a good value. This may include something with a lot of amenities, or not. Certainly, I DO like amenities though. WELL CERTAINLY, OF COURSE. I MEAN REALLY, WHO DOESN'T LIKE AMENITIES?

I am open toward most options available, and have few overall requirement. I WOULD like a bottom floor, and a second floor is great, too, as long as the bottom floor is present. UPPER LEVELS WITHOUT LOWER LEVELS WILL BE CONSIDERED TO BE STRUCTURALLY UNSOUND AND ARE THEREFORE NOT CONSIDERED TO BE A GOOD VALUE. I would however be open to hearing about something that doesn't have a bottom floor, if it presented fantastic value AND INCLUDED STAIRS, AN ELEVATOR, A LADDER, OR SOME OTHER MEANS OF ACCESS. I SUPPOSE I COULD BRING MY OWN LADDER, BUT AGAIN, THAT WOULD LIKELY TO NOT BE CONSIDERED A GOOD VALUE. THIS REMINDS ME OF ANOTHER AD WHICH OFFERED A PRIVATE SECOND FLOOR BEDROOM, WITH PRIVATE BATH AVAILABLE IN THE BASEMENT.

Other than that one need WHICH ONE, AMENITIES? OR DO YOU MEAN THE SECOND FLOOR LOCATION WITH BOTTOM FLOOR PRESENT? , I am open to suggestion. HERE'S A SUGGESTION... GO FIND YOURSELF A NICE REFRIGERATOR BOX IN THE WOODS BEHIND THE 7-11. YOU ARE TOO FREAKY TO LIVE AMONG OTHER HUMANS. A nice location is desirable , as well as garages, overall space, and included utilities. Again, I am flexible and will choose something reasonably priced for the quality of apartment. I would rather have an above-average home that's averagely priced than a very cheap home.
That's about it! HE WROTE WITH GREAT ENTHUSIASM... I have early mornings and afternoons free to check out a property if you have one "i just gotta see!" ASSUMING OF COURSE THAT IT HAS BOTH AMENITIES, AND THAT ANY UPER LEVELS WOULD BE ATTACHED TO STRUCTURALLY SOUND LOWER LEVELS.

Credit report and proof of income is available. Deposit should be no problem. AS IN IT SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM, BUT IT PROBABLY WILL BE...
Feel free to contact my email, zombieknifa@gmail.com WHAT? ZOMBIEKNIFA? YOU KNIFE ZOMBIES? YOU PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED THAT BEFORE YOUR DISSERTATION ON THE REQUIRED ADJACENCY OF BILEVEL LIVING ARRANGEMENTS. MIGHT I ALSO EMAIL THE SECOND OCCUPANT DESCRIBED ABOVE, WHO I CAN ONLY ASSUME IS REACHABLE AT ZOMBIEKNIFAGIRL@GMAIL.COM... and expect a speedy response AFTER I CALL 911 IN TERROR AT THE THOUGHT OF YOU SHARING MY PLANET, LET ALONE MY HOME.
Thanks,
Kevin

------------------
This goes without saying, but the Kevster and ZombieKnifaGirl move in next weekend.